Thirty

I am thirty years old today, which seemed like as good an opportunity as any to finally make a post again.

It’s been a long time since my last one, and though I haven’t been blogging, I have been creating a ton. My best friends and I started a band last year and started performing for our friends and family in living rooms and spiritual centers and forests around the state. Original songs meant to heal, connect, transform suffering, and uplift our spirits. Creating art alone is great, and creating art with others I love has felt even more joyful and fulfilling to me. There’s so many possibilities in co-creating around a shared vision. If there’s one thing I’ve learned these thirty years, it’s this.

I also wrote a song, something I never thought I could do.

I took up visual art again, my first love as a child, and overcame my mental block of not wanting to draw/paint because I’m not *amazing* at it – the point is joy, and that’s what I feel when I draw. So I started to sketch again after an 18 year hiatus, and made my first forays into acrylic painting.

And as Mystic Tiger was forming, Taj asked me to make an art piece for our band – a tiger with a third eye, encircled in a pyramid. I procrastinated on it for like a year until the week before our single debut because it was a formidable and daunting task, and then the combination of urgency and quarantine zero-distraction life and cosmic inspiration and divine love made this guy:

I also started teaching music and creative expression and improv to kids, something I also used to think I wasn’t qualified enough to do. I started working at a mindfulness and meditation organization, InsightLA, and have been able to share my music and love for connecting people and even my writing here. Finally, fully employed again, and finally at a place I believe in.

I say all this to say this: when I was a kid and teenager and even an early 20’s person, when I’d think about what my life would be like at age 30, I imagined it with a mix of dread and bewilderment. I kind of assumed my life would get less and less fun as I got older, that I’d have to resign myself to a boring adult job and my friendships would weaken and I’d talk like a grown up and think mostly about insurance and car maintenance. I didn’t think I could create a life that I really loved. I didn’t think it was possible to dream that big.

My life isn’t perfect, but because I’ve been following my intuition these past several years of adulthood and doing what feels right in each moment, learning how to embrace uncertainty and put my attention on what I want to grow and overcome the voice of doubt that holds me back – because of that, at thirty years old I feel deep fulfillment, connection to my purpose, deep love for the people in my life, and like I am still growing and transforming every day. So I’m realizing: growing up is actually super lit!

That’s my update. I’m not sure if I’ll write much in this blog anymore as music, visual art, and collaborative ideation and creation is my focus these days. Just wanted to remind others that you are not crazy for doing things you love. Even if everyone around you is doing something different. It is not the safe or comfortable path. It is full of unknowns. But if you close your eyes and listen, and you hear a faint call, inviting you to join something that could be magical and joyful – see what it might be like to take even a tiny step towards that voice. You won’t be singing alone. <3