Today is my 26th birthday.
Birthdays are an incredible concept: for a full twenty-four hours, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grocery store cashiers, baristas, and guys I went on one Okcupid date with two years ago all suddenly shower me with loving text messages and kind yet generic Facebook wall post greetings and treat me as if I accomplished something really important when in reality, I didn’t do anything at all to warrant it. I think this is fantastic and one of the best ideas we ever came up with as a species. And the greatest part is that it continues to happen every year without fail.
But partly because I enjoy things more when I feel like I’ve earned them, and also because I can’t resist seizing opportunity when I see it, I decided to post on my blog today. It’s a great chance to end my nearly year-long blogging hiatus without being too awkward about it because everyone gives me a free pass on my birthday and hopefully more people are likely to read it today due to enhanced temporary investment and interest in my well-being.
When I reflect on the past 26 years, what strikes me the most is the dramatic extent to which I’ve changed over time. The person I am today is completely different than the person I was even a year ago, let alone five or ten years ago. This is strangely comforting to me, because it signals that the process of becoming an adult is actually working out all right. With each year, I learn more and more things and become a more and more complete human, and that’s what growing up is all about.
Here are some of the top lessons I’ve learned in 26 years of life on this planet.
1. Probably one of the most important skills to ever master in life is compassion: the ability to see things from other people’s perspectives.
A few months ago on a family vacation, I got into a heated argument about the Presidential election with my mom who has been a passionate Hillary supporter since 2008. I told her how corrupt and untrustworthy I thought she was, and why Bernie Sanders was a way better choice. She got mad and shut down, telling me she didn’t want to talk about it any more.
After we got out of the car, my brother groaned and told me how badly I messed up that conversation. “If you actually wanted to get through to Mom, you should have started by asking her genuinely why she supports Hillary. Maybe it’s an emotional attachment because Mom grew up in an era where women faced a lot more barriers to equality, and she wants to see a woman in leadership. Whatever it is, you have to figure out where she’s at and meet her there.”
Life is a totally subjective experience, because everyone has different experiences that shape all of their knowledge, beliefs, and understanding. When other people believe in something we don’t believe in, it’s not because they’re bad people – it’s because their experiences have led them to a different viewpoint than ours.
The only way for us to effectively communicate with anyone with different views is to first figure out what led them to think and say the things they do. Not making assumptions or being quick to judge. Not immediately responding with our own opinion. If we can understand why people believe what they do, we’ll be 100% more effective at communicating, and we might even save the world.
2. Real friendship requires a lot of investment on both ends.
It was so easy to feel close to a bunch of people in high school and college because we were constantly in close proximity and shared common experiences that naturally bonded us. When we no longer see our friends regularly, we have to actually make a concerted effort to keep our relationships alive. It isn’t easy. I’m terrible at texting and calling people to keep in touch, so I organize trips to see them. I organize reunions with all of our other friends. I make corny photo collages for their birthdays.
I’ve realized that friendship is a very transactional thing in nature. When I made a big effort to see my friends in LA while I was living in the Bay, they reciprocated way more and made trips to visit me up North. When I show up to support them at fundraisers and graduations, they show up for my concerts and birthday parties. It isn’t enough to just declare your love for your friends – you have to show your love through your actions.
Some friends won’t reciprocate your efforts, and those friendships should probably be put out of their misery. It sucks to say, but a lot of people I considered close friends haven’t really made the same effort I have to stay close. I used to get pretty disappointed when friends didn’t make the time to hang out when I was in town once, twice, three times in a row. But I’ve realized that this is okay: I can’t be friends with everyone, so if someone doesn’t try very hard, they’re not really that good of a friend.
A lot of us think we know what we want out of life. But so much of what we think we want is shaped by what society, our family, our religious institutions, and our favorite companies tell us we want. Whether it’s a fancy car, a house in the suburbs, a partner from the same cultural background as our own, or a career as an urban planner, we assume we want certain things and that these things will make us happy.The truth is that the only way we really know what we want is when we’ve actually experienced the thing that we want. And that takes a ton of exploration. It takes living in multiple cities, traveling to other countries, dating a whole bunch of different people, hanging out with lots of diverse friend groups, trying out new hobbies, working in several sectors. It means constantly putting ourselves out of our comfort zone.This is not something most of us do. Most of us hang out with certain groups because we work with them or because we’ve been friends with them forever, not because they make us happier than other people would. Most of us live in a city because our job or our partner is there, not because it’s the city that we feel gives us the most energy.We all have a fear of leaving our comfort zones, so most of us default to spending our time engaging in the easiest things. I don’t think people sink 40, 50, 60 hours binge-watching Netflix because they sincerely love it more than anything else in the world, I think they do it because it’s comfortable and easy. I spend a huge amount of my time scrolling through Facebook, but that doesn’t give me joy.
A lot of us never find out what it is that truly makes us happy, because we’re so busy doing things that make us comfortable. I’ve found that the only way to figure out my path to happiness is to constantly experiment, and often that requires some short-term discomfort. But I’ve found so many things that give me satisfaction this way, and many of them are very surprising:
By forcing myself to exercise and eat healthy, I found out that I love the way my body feels after an intense workout more than how it feels after a day lounging around doing nothing.
By ignoring my fear of blind dating and arranging multiple (okay, 43) first dates, I realized the qualities that I’m really looking for in a significant other.
By going on a five week trip alone to Europe, I discovered that I have never felt more alive than when I’m exploring new places.
I also figured out that I sincerely like going to museums more than I like going to bars. I figured out that I detest empty conversations, and I’d rather be alone than make conversation with people I don’t care about. I learned how much I love being outside.
4. Nearly everything that happens is the result of a political decision of some kind.
I used to think that “politics” was some kind of hobby for people who liked to debate and dissect campaign strategy. That it was this extracurricular you could opt in or out of.
The reality is that there’s no escaping politics, because it shapes the world around us. It determines what kind of life we have. Politicians determine everything from the minimum amount of wages we can earn, if our schools will have PE, art, and music, and how nice the roads we drive on are, to how clean the air that we breathe is, how much money we have to pay for parking tickets, and whether we have access to affordable health care.
Most people ignore what’s going on in Sacramento or DC to their own detriment. If we choose not to vote or pay attention to what our elected officials are doing, we surrender control of our lives. That’s why I figured I should get civically involved and make it a big part of my life to get other people involved, too.
5. Life is a picture, but we live in a pixel.
I borrowed this analogy from Tim Urban, the authors of one of my favorite blogs. What it means is that we often view our lives as this rich picture that depicts an epic story and assume that “the key to happiness lies in the broad components of the image” – marrying your soulmate, getting the dream job, retiring early and living happily ever after.
But the truth is that we don’t exist in the broad picture. We only live at all times in a single tiny pixel – today. Every ordinary, mundane Wednesday we spend scrolling through Instagram and going to the gym and almost falling asleep at a work meeting – put thousands of those together and that’s our life.
So it’s imperative that we’re always consciously making an effort to live in this moment – because it’s all we have. That’s why I try to jump on opportunities to schedule reunions with friends, why I map out highlights of my week I want to share with my family at dinner, why I write down a great conversation I had last night in my diary, why I try to appreciate the different flavors that went into my lunch and savor every bite.
…This is also just a fancy way of saying “Carpe Diem”, or “YOLO”.
Here’s to hoping the next 26 years will bring just as many new life lessons. Now, for obligatory yet actually genuinely curious audience participation question: What have you learned?
I feel #2…I used to be sad when certain people wouldn't come out for my going away party or birthday parties in the past, but I learned to appreciate those who did come out to show that they cared. I learned that lesson in Japan as a teacher. They put me at a school with a bunch of the yakuza's children. 80% of the class would tune out or go to sleep, and it depressed me at first, wondering what I was doing wrong. Eventually I learned that I had to teach to the 8-10 students that were listening and engaged, ignoring the sleeping ones. Same thing with friendships or online dating prospects…you want to make the effort for the ones that are giving you their attention. Those are the ones that care about and value you. It took a while for me to learn that life lesson, but it has done wonders in my life.
This is Chris from DTLA running btw…i don't have any of those accounts to sign in under haha
Nice post Kelly, thanks for sharing your thoughts. On my birthdays I tell people that when we reach old age where we're no longer mobile, we're not going to remember specific days and times, or obligations, we'll remember moments. So, the more memorable moments we make, the more full our lives will feel and a lot of the way we feel is by who we surround ourselves with, and if it's good people, you'll be forever young. Have a Happy Birthday Kelly and stay forever young!
Hi Kelly, I've never met you and I saw this blog post on my facebook newfeed 6 months ago because a friend of mine liked it and I read the first paragraph and bookmarked it for later. Later has arrived, so hi from your internet creeper. I am 6 months older than you and every damn point on your list speaks to me.
1) I was thrown in a pit of rage and despair when Trump was elected and ready to rail against anyone who confessed to voting for him as a bigoted prick. But taking a good hard look at myself, the left, the right and everything in between has highlighted for me what I already knew. To lambast others' views, even if we deem them as hurtful/hateful, will not effectively change those views. One of our best bets is compassion and debate.
2) I am Australian and quit my job 1.5 years ago to volunteer and travel the world. I left behind friends, family and a relationship and now I reside in Vancouver. The friendships I have invested the time into keeping over this period have been like rays of sunshine in my life. I believe that there is nothing more valuable in life than a real connection with another being, when you've got one, fugging cherish it.
3) I have pushed myself dangerously out of my comfort zone and it has taught me a lot of things. It's brought me both the best and worst experiences of my life and I wouldn't have it any other way, even if it meant the effort to maintain #2 was much increased.
4) I absolutely agree and instead of lamenting in the face of President Trump, I am now more dedicated than ever to be informed, inform others and take action.
5) This is just the icing on the cake. I did a bit of the cheesy eat-pray-love thing this year and went to an ashram in India for one month. Being present and letting go of our attachments to the outcomes of actions in our lives has been the single greatest lesson I've learnt this year. Thank you so much for sharing yours. Feel free to reach out on Facebook (Melyn Roberts), you seem like a like-minded individual and would love to pick your brains sometime 🙂